Thursday, July 01, 2004

bin Laden threatens 'beheading video' pirates with beheading (HUMOR)

Begin Beheading Humor (Warning: Funny, but Possibly Tasteless)

As expected, on Monday Iraqi militants toasted the formal end of the U.S. occupation of their country with a televised beheading.

For those unfamiliar with the inscrutable ways of the Orient, Islam prohibits consumption of alcohol, and the celebratory chopping off of an enemy's head serves much the same purpose in some Islamic countries as the uncorking of a fine wine or champagne might in the West. Televised public beheadings of criminals are a common highlight of festive occasions in Saudi Arabia, for example, where they are sanctioned by the government.

Iraqi militants seemed to take the news of the two-day early end of the occupation relatively calmly, however, and, beheaded only one foreigner. The Iraqi militants had also threatened to behead three Turks and one Pakistani, leading some Western pundits to anticipate a veritable orgy of beheadings to ring in the joyous new era. But it now seems the militants are saving these heads for a future celebration.

Some Western experts believe the beheadings by the militants may also serve a military purpose beyond mere celebration of a festive occasion. According to Joe Q. Analyst, an expert on barbaric warfare with the Acne Center for More Strategic Thinking, "Sometimes, primitive peoples will use gore to, in effect, say to their invading enemies, 'Look, we are a totally backward bunch of barbarians. Your time really would be better spent going off and conquering someone else.'

"We've had Western parallels as well. For example, Vlad the Impaler, a medieval king of Romania, used elaborate displays of gore to convince an invading army that his country was so backward it was not worth conquering; today he's better known as his fictional namesake 'Dracula,' derived from his Rumanian nickname. It's a good thing the Rumanians are one of our major allies in the Coalition of the Willing -- I expect the Americans can really use their expertise in this area."

By making a popular motion picture out of each of the beheadings (to be distributed via the Internet), the militants seem to have learned some Hollywood magic from their American conquerors. "One of things we Americans know how to do is make a really good movie. We've used that expertise well in our Iraqi torture campaign. The true genius of the American torturers was to combine the usual medieval torture rack (officially, 'stress positions'), the hoods (officially, 'sensory deprivation'), the dog bites (officially, 'Smithers, release the dogs....'), the electrocutions (officially, 'lifesaving CPR administration ... 1, 2, 3, Contact!'), and the sleep and food deprivations (officially, 'Rock music appreciation classes' and 'Low carb prisoner diet'), with something Americans are especially good at: Hollywood magic. The American torturers would ingenuously fit all of the torture and gore into the plot of a very racy French movie, which they'd force the victim to star in. Then they'd threaten to show the dirty French movie to friends and relatives, or even distribute it via the Internet. The last thing an Iraqi militant wants to become is the star of some cheap, adult Internet flick with very low production values, so naturally they all caved in and spilled the beans. It worked so well we started randomly pulling Iraqis off the street and threatened to turn them into sleazy French film stars, just in case they knew anything."

The International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) immediately denounced the latest beheadings. "We were not given access to the prisoner prior to the beheading. The Geneva Convention specifically requires that prisoners of war not be executed unless they have been found guilty of a crime in a trial adhering to international standards of military justice. As far as we can tell, the victim of the latest beheading video had been charged with any crimes, in direct violation of the Convention. Prisoners may not be humiliated by making a movie of the prisoner, even though the Americans do this all the time. We are most shocked by the fact that the prisoner was not offered a cigar prior to his execution, something that is clearly and expressly required by the Geneva Convention. We strongly urge the Iraqi militants to offer a cigar to their victims in future beheading videos so as to bring themselves more into compliance with the Conventions" a statement on the ICRC website said.

There are persistent rumors that Osama bin Laden is unhappy with the post-production values in the latest beheading video, and may be planning to use his inherited fortune to buy up a Hollywood studio to improve future video production quality.

Major Hollywood studios said they'd welcome the investment money from Osama. "Most psychiatrists concluded years ago the Osama bin Laden had gone completely Hollywood; this studio purchase just confirms that medical diagnosis. Saudi elites like the bin Ladens already own 6% of U.S. publicly traded companies. So who cares if we're bought up by another wealthy bin Laden?" one studio executive told DFW under condition of anonymity. "We have tremendous respect for Osama bin Laden as an artist. He's taken the horror film to a whole new dimension of gore and realism. We're expect he'll do wonderful things with the special effects in a forthcoming feature set during the French Revolution. He's a real wizard when it comes to cinematic beheadings scenes. We're grateful he's making this investment in our company."

Osama bin Laden is also reportedly concerned with the rampant Internet piracy of his beheading videos. "The beheading videos have been copyrighted by Al Queda and as such are protected by International Law," a statement on Al Queda's website read. "Al Queda plans to enforce its internationally recognized intellectual property rights in these fine films. Terrorism is an expensive business; these videos were produced only after years of effort and millions of dollars of investment from myself and other supporters. This Internet piracy is not only forbidden by Islam, it is destroying our business model as well. We intend to go after the Internet pirates by beheading them one by one until this infidel scum has been eliminated from the face of the earth and we have recouped our investments."

End Humor

Dear Free World related humor:
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Madonna to wear burka in concert; changes name to "Mohammed" (HUMOR)
WANTED: Gay Muslim Fundamentalist Extremist for blog Interview/Debate(HUMOR)
al Qaeda chief backs Bush/Cheney in statement (humor)

Other blogs covering the serious side of this story:
Talkleft: Militants Kill American Soldier
Hot Abercrombie Chick: U.S. Soldier Keith M. Maupin Executed on Video
Wizbang: Army Specialist Keith Maupin Murdered
Our Life: Keith Matthew Maupin Suspected Dead
Backcountry Conservative: American Soldier Killed in Iraq
Intergalactic Capitalist: Spc. Keith M. Maupin
Outside the Beltway: SPC Keith M. Maupin Murdered
The Command Post: Reports that PFC Matt Maupin Was Killed
Right Moment: Now You Know
Blogs of War: Iraqi Terrorists Murder Soldier Matt Maupin
Dean's World: Looks Like They Murdered Him
Ramblings' Journal: Unconfirmed reports of US G.I. beheading in Iraq
The Bejus Pundit: Hopefully not true...