Saturday, July 31, 2004

Interview with a fake Republican (almost humor)

Well, after hearing the AM conservative talk radio "black" propaganda broadcast apparently involving actors pretending to be liberals, veterans, etc., I have decided I will get revenge. I am going to introduce a fake Republican to talk up the "responsible" Republican agenda and present his insights into the recent Democratic convention. Later, Mr. Fake Republican will be covering the Republican convention as well.

EEA: Well, Mr. Fake Republican, can you explain the "responsible" Republican agenda you support.

Mr. Fake Republican (FR): Well, EEA (Can I call you EEA?), Republicans have of the same needs and values as the little people. We just want to be able to send our children to board at Androver or Exeter or Groton for an appropriately generous donation. We want safer gated communities. We want lower taxes on the jet fuel for our Gulfstreams. We, like all Americans, want to make easier to move jobs offshore when ever unproductive union-protected pinheads that work for us become unreasonable. We want to eliminate ceilings on traditional IRAs because, quite frankly, hiring a competent tax attorney to set up the equivalent offshore account is just too expensive these days, and you have do all sort of special offshore investing to satisfy the IRS that everythings legit.... The tax codes have to be simplified.... We need to get the government off the backs of the rich, who are the real people moving America forward.

EEA: Uhhhh, yes, thank you for those insights. What are you thoughts on the recent Democratic convention and Kerry's acceptance speech in particular?

FR: I was disappointed in it. Kerry is proposing raising taxes on millionaires, who are the most productive people in society. Do you billionaires make millions of times the salary of one of the little people? It's because they are a million times more productive. Let's face it. Most of the little people sit all day in their offices and do nothing. It's the folks at the top that contribute most of the ideas and innovation and leadership that produces most of the economic value in society. They are getting paid 1 million times as much because they are 1 million times as productive. And, so, Kerry's suggestion that he'll raise the taxes of millionaires goes back to this old, worn Democratic idea of progressive taxation.

FR: It's the millionairs that contribute most of the value, so if the tax the rich, you're taxing the most productive citizens in the society. We're talking about marginal tax rates. If you increase the taxes by 1% on millionaires, that decreases the marginal productivity of everyone in that tax bracket by 1%. If you increase the tax bracket of an ordinary working slob by 1%, say someone living high on hog for $10,000 a year, that will only reduce their incentive for productivity by 1% of $10,000, which means they'll be $100 less productive each year. If you increase the marginal tax rates on someone that makes a million a year, that will decrease their incentive for productivity by $10,000 a year.

FR: George W. Bush has based his tax cut plans around this principal: It's the rich that really should paying lower taxes. So what we really need in this country is a flat tax. Or, better yet, regressive taxation. Soak the poor. We should be taxing the least productive individuals in society, namely, the poor who make so little because they are so inefficient. The people that are making millions and moving this country forward with highly-paid leadership skills and innovations and creating the jobs for all the those poor, talentless slobs should be given a lower tax bracket, or maybe not pay taxes at all. It's simple economics and simple common sense.....

EEA: Uhhhhhhhh, so, by your reasoning, Mr. Fake Republican, a billionaire Saudi shiek who makes millions by merely sitting on oil-rich land he has inherited and does little else all day long except fund madrassas to train religious fanatics is thousands or millions of times a greater asset to this nation than an inner-city divorced mother of two, juggling two or three minimum wage jobs in an effort to keep off of welfare....

FR: Precisely. And I was dismayed by Kerry's suggestation that he wants to 100,000 cops to fight terrorism. We really don't need all those extra cops. What we really need to do is cut my taxes, which are way too high. I already tens of thousands of dollars each year in gated community association fees, and that already pays for a private police force to protect me. They're more efficient at protecting me from terrorists than the public cops, and they work for less money. These 100,000 police officers are nothing but an excuse for expanding the rather inefficient public sector. I rather like Bush's idea of reducing the police force in order to lower my taxes; our gated community association can use this extra money to hire more private cops employed by our community.

EEA: Ahhhhh.....

FR: And I was not all impressed with Kerry or his wife's attempt to show their intelligence or brag about Kerry's status as war hero. That's really irrelvant. What we really need is someone that's good at listen to the millionaires and experience CEOs, who will provide excellent advice free of charge. We don't need a smart guy running America. We just a figurehead who does what's told. A lightweight like Bush is actually an asset to America, because he know he's not smart enough to decide policy for himself.

FR: And I don't much care for Kerry's promises to be smart and tricky to bring the war on terrorism to quick close; all those military expenditures going into defense contractors are really good for the economy. They're helping to create jobs, and their creating a lot of wealth for me, which I'm funnelling off into my offshore bank accounts to, errrr, take advantage of offshore investment opportunities. The supposedly enormous deficits that Bush has created really aren't that big of a problem. I've got friends with billions in offshore assets; if there was ever a real problem with the little people paying the federal deficits off for us, they'd pitch in with a donation or two, for sure.

EEA: Oh..... Well, thank your Mr. Fake Republican for your valuable insights into the Democratic convention and why continue to support George Bush over Kerry.

Mr. Fake Republican will back to cover the Democratic convention, and may also be back here sooner for additional interviews to air his unique insights into world events.