Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Ivan Now Headed for Crawford (or more Hurricane Augery)

After devasting the panhandle of Florida, Hurricane Ivan has now regenerated itself over the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico as a Tropical Depression. The National Weather Service is predicting that, within the next 48 hours, the storm will strengthen to a Tropical Storm and is headed straight for ... Crawford, Texas. (No joke, official map as 5PM EDT on Wednesday, Sept 22. Hurricane prediction is a difficult science, and the maps are changed twice daily. Still, prediction with 48 hours is fairly accurate, and it seems that the probability that the storm will eventually strike Texas is currently projected at greater than 30%, and their best guess as to the trajectory is that it will indeed make a bee-line for Crawford.)

Keep in mind that, between 1970 and 1994, there were only two named storm systems per year. Due to global warming, however, there are more than 15 projected for this year, Ivan being the third storm in just a few weeks to devastate Jeb Bush's Texas. The storm has regenerated, and now seems determined to do damage in the state heavily associated with the other Bush brother.

[If Ivan isn't enough for you, there is also Hurricane Jeanne, which is very likely headed back to Florida, although the NWS currently thinks it will suddenly change direction and most likely strike the U.S. further north. It's still several days off, and the NWS will probably have a better idea later in the week if and when Hurricane Jeanne will strike the U.S. The storm has already killed 700 people on various islands in the region. If it strikes Florida --- well within the realm of possibility according to NWS --- it would be the fourth hurricane in just a month to hit Jeb Bush's state].

Years ago, of course, humanity used chicken bones cracked in fire and tea leaves to augery. The idea was simple: you (or an enterprising con-man/delusion maniac) stared at the cracked chicken bones (or birds circulated in the air of what have you) until you went daffy, and then utter some prophetic-sounding platitude.

Today, thanks to modern satellite technology, we can hurricane trajectories to chicken bones, tea leaves, and other techniques of augery. Instead of trying to use patterns in tea leaves, or the cracks in bones exploded in the heat of a campfire, you can stare at hurricane trajectories until you go daffy and start to believe these things actually mean something.

I haven't stared at hurricane trajectories long enough to go daffy, so I can't claim to be an expert in hurricane augery. I leave hurricane augery and prophesy to the Republicans, who have experts like Pat Robertson, that believed that the "sudden" change in hurricane's trajectory (as if hurricanes weren't known for suddenly changing direction) was God's way of telling him to run for president of the United States.

Let's see. Prior to global warming, only two named storms (hurricanes, etc.) per year between 1970 and 1994.

This year, three hurricanes completely devastate Jeb Bush's Florida (known for vote fraud back in 2000 that lead an apathetic president to lose the World Trade Center in 2001 and then use his own incompetence as an excuse to unlease rivers of blood in 2002), and there's at least a fourth one maybe on its way, with several other systems looming out there.

And then Ivan, after mainly devasting Florida, is now projected to make a bee-line for Crawford, TX.

As I said, I leave hurricane augery and other forms of mumbo-jumbo voodoo to Republican experts like Pat Robertson, who've done it before and maybe can make some sense of it all.

Could it be that God is once again trying to send a message to the Republicans? Like, maybe, he doesn't want the Republicans to win this year, and doesn't want any more of that Republican vote-fixing in Florida like reportedly happened their in 2000 (and, like, they are reportedly trying again)?

Could it be that supposedly God-fearing George W. Bush is actually a little hard of hearing, which is why it's taken several hurricanes?

Of course, if it really were God (and that's a big if), couldn't God just use other means to cause the Republicans to lose? I mean, why the hurricanes? Why the messages with hurricanes? I know, maybe He's trying to underscore the point that Global Climate Change is real (even if Bush and his oil-buddy friends like to deny it). But, you'd think God could use subtler and more effective techniques to achieve these aims then trying to get a message through to George W. Bush, who's famously not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and reportedly likes being loyal to his crooked friends down in Texas and Florida, even when hurricanes are repeately bearing down on them.

The only way to confirm our suspicions that God was behind the hurricanes was to ask God Himself. God is reportedly notoriously camera shy, and reportedly has never granted an interview with the media, so we realize an interview with God would be a true journalistic scoop for DFW, and would probably make us even more famous and respected than Dan Rather or CBS News.

However, God has, reportedly, given interviews to delusional madmen and reportedly used various spurious spokespersons from time to time, although the credentials of many supposed spokespersons have historically been difficult and often impossible to authentic. It has been claimed that some supposed spokespersons have used forged credentials, and these supposed forgeries have remained even more controversial throughout the millenia than even the CBS forgeries, or the forged uranium Iraq documents the Bush Administration used to justify the Iraq war to the American people. Since DFW could not satisfactorily verify the authenticity of a number of supposed spokespersons living today, the only acceptable journalist standard for the inclusion of statements from such "authorities" in our report, DFW decided it could not use any such statements or pronouncements.

Instead, DFW attempted to contact God directly for this report.

God did not immediately return our messages. ;-)